This is pretty much the worst video ever made...

....Kip: Napoleon, like anyone can even know that.

Yeah, shut up Napoleon, because Bill Gates is starring in the sequel to Napoleon Dynamite and he's totally the coolest dork ever now!

Once you watch that you'll know why Microsoft is so much cooler than Apple (...except for iPods, obviously)

[College Humor link]

Arnold Wishes the Terminator Would Help Him Governate

After the governator wasted tons of taxpayer dollars to hold an idiotic special election for eight idiotic initiatives, they were all voted down in Tuesday night’s state election--Ha ha. Prompting Arnold to act stupid again, and tell a press conference:

“If I would do another Terminator movie I would have Terminator travel back in time and tell Arnold not to have a special election.”

Oh, Ahnuld, I wish you would travel back in time and DIE! (Or maybe just go back to Austria or Terminator-land or wherever you came from.)

Sk8er Boi or Skaterboys

Sk8er Boi (the movie): Ew. Make it go away.
Skaterboys (Overheard in New York ):
Two skateboard guys make as much noise as possible to get a chick's attention. She doesn't take the bait.

Skateboy #1: Whatever! Forget her!
Skateboy #2: Hey, baby!

She turns.

Skateboy #2: Let's not make this into a rape thing, y'know?

Either way, it pretty much boils down to: skateboards = bad.

Hollywood's Cockiest Couple

(as pointed out by Popsugar)

Paris & Pal--Pal being Stavros Niarchos at the moment but his identity isn't really important since Paris' guys basically just serve as extensions of her skanky self--

Now, look at them trying to avoid getting their picture taken. Yeah, you guys are the very picture of modesty.

And why is Paris Pal still driving? We all know he can't handle a car when those damn paparazzi are flustering him and his shy little self.

Oh yeah, and the ring was fake.

The NY Times Crushes Girlish Dreams Everywhere

Well, to be quite precise, a Mr. Stephen Holden crushed them when I went online, innocently expecting to read a dispassionate, levelheaded review of Pride & Prejudice--which I had just seen and loved--and instead he gave me this:

"That the world teems with fantasies of Mr. Darcy and his ilk there is no doubt. How many of his type are to be found outside the pages of a novel, however, is another matter."

Boo to you, Mr. Holden, you're certainly no Fitzwilliam Darcy and quite frankly, I don't like you and your smarmy, anti-romantic attitude. Brace yourself, and read his complete review.

Okay, you don't really have to brace yourself, for most of the review Stephen just gushes about how Keira Knightley's "radiance...suffuses the film," and how the movie is a "keen scrutiny of social mobility and the Darwinian struggle of the hungriest to advance by wielding whatever leverage...." blah, blah, blah, BLAH--Stephen, you don't have to make it all boring in order to validate your approval, we get that you're just all mushy on the inside and it's okay. So, basically Stephen and I both think you should go see it. Also, unlike Stephen, I believe there are plenty of latter-day Mr. Darcys lurking around just waiting to make girls happy with 10,000 pounds per annum and a ginormous mansion in the English countryside....oh man, just that house made the movie worth the admission price.

Diamonds are Nicole's new BFF

Because she sure trash talks ex-BFF Paris in The Truth About Diamonds:

A Perez-er reports:

Having gotten an early peek at "The Truth About Diamonds," we suggest Paris pay attention to villain Simone Westlake. Simone, who is always "accidentally on purpose" losing her cell phone, coerces "rock royalty princess" Chloe Parker to pretend they're best friends for an ad campaign. Then Simone stabs Chloe in the back. Richie describes Simone as "a model, an actress and an all-around professional fake-rich girl" who has never been "seen out of pumps since puberty ... not even in her night-vision skin flicks." [Perez link]

Chapter 10 excerpt: "I knew for sure that the Magdalena commercials were going to be a big deal when I saw Chloe on TV while I was working out. I stopped running in place and watched in shock as she and Simone, arm in arm, sat on a lavender sofa in Magdalena HQ being interviewed by Billy Bush. Billy was doing the expected lovestruck banter with the new BFFs as they giggled and flashed leg. Simone, inarticulate to the point of mental incompetence, came off as aloof and mysterious on TV for some unknown reason. The camera loved Chloe, whose coke high read as girlish excitement." [Gawker link]

..oooh, I kind of want to read it now, sounds good and salacious. I thought Nicole was addicted to heroin not coke, though. What's with that, is Nicole trying to protect her identity? Those girls, so coy about their personal lives.

Update: Nicole <3s Pink is the New Blog

Hm, interesting since she also loves Perez so much she invited him to the book....opening, or...premiere, party, errrm, book something.

Today is a Special Day, Guys....

Today is a the day the spawn of Alias may be born....

...Jennifer Garner's due date guys, get excited! Violet Affleck is due to bloom at any moment!

Hmm...Today is a sad day too guys, getting the axe:

-Kitchen Confidential home to Alias alums Will and Vaughn
-Arrested Development yeah, I don't really care that much about this because I'm one of the unelightened who doesn't watch...Kristin rants though.
-7th Heaven I'm a bit conflicted over this one. Crappy show, but it's been around for as long as I can remember and I'm not quite sure that TV will be the same without those sanctimonious Camdens and the awful awfulness that is their hair.

Sienna Miller: Paparazzi Attack Mode!

Seriously you have to see this. Tiny Sienna is on a rampage, hitting the evil paparazzi with...something. While Jude sits in a car and watches the whole thing while smirking.

"Ha ha, I bet you wish you had a Pocket-Size Paparazzi Protection buddyTM, who would stay with you no matter how many women you cheated on it with!"

[Egotastic link]

Tyra Gets Oogly

Because what is more fun than pretty people making themselves as ugly as possible? And quite frankly, no one does it as well as Tyra does it, ANTM style. (Okay, she was pretty funny as a Victoria Secret's lingerie-wearing jester too)

Wondering what exactly was going through the Tyra's head when she was doing this? "Liiiiiiii-saaaaa" and her "oooo-gly faces" Talk about the oogly calling the oogly, oogly. (Just kidding, Lisa is way ooglier than Tyra, faces and all)

[Tyra-monster gif from the latest fantastic FourFour recap....check it out, complete with Lisa in diapers (for seriously) and Kristin Bell (shooting a Veronica Mars scene with Kim)]

Die Trying

Fifty is so tough that even being a fan is dangerous, still this is taking it a bit far, right? Even Fifty is saddened, guys.

A man was shot to death in West Homestead, Pennsylvania, on Wednesday night at a screening of the new 50 Cent movie, Get Rich or Die Trying.

Gunfire in the Loews Waterfront movie theater killed Shelton Flowers, 30, of Wilkinsburg, who was hit in the thigh and chest and rushed to nearby UPMC Presbyterian. [Perez link]

Seriously, rap is dangerous, guys. This would never happen at a Hilary Duff movie.

Happy "the OC" Day

..and in honor of that day, more OC music goodness from the LG Music Blog with an interview of Alexandra Patsavas, who is the Music Supervisor for the show. Here's a little taste...

LG: ...So, the LG offices are dying to know what kind of music Mischa Barton really listens to? We don’t picture her sitting around at home listening to the Sex Pistols record.

ALEXANDRA: (Laughing) You have to ask Mischa.

LG: Yeah but your as close, sadly, as we’re probably ever going to get to her.

ALEXANDRA: She really likes Rachel Yamagata and I know she likes Phantom Planet.

Hmmm, I bet in real life she listens to Ashlee Simpson or something, like in season one of the OC when she says she likes punk and Seth is like "Avril Lavigne is not punk"...seriously, Mischa.

Fashion Frenzy

Sounds like the opening of Stella McCartney's line at H&M was insane, Gawker has first person accounts of the wreckage:

Just got back to work from the SoHo H&M (both stores) and all racks were completely empty of all goods by 10:07 AM. Only random scarves and keychains left. There was a lot of elbowing, screaming, and tripping others as a means of getting to the stuff.

Continued after the jump....
..........

The opening of H+M’s Stella McCartney collection was total and complete insanity. I was at the 34th and 7th ave store. I have never seen grown women act this way (well except for conde nast intramural events *snicker snicker*) pushing, shoving, grabbing and yelling.

One mad shopper pulled an empty metal rod and started hitting a display which had sweaters that were out of arms reach. Not even the mannequins were safe — people tore the samples from them.

And more shopper acounts from the PaperMag blog:

I went to the H&M on 51st and 5th at 8AM today to stake out a spot in line. I am by no means an obsessed fan, I just had my eye on a sweater. The press was already inside throwing around shirts and trouser and filling up bags while noshing on little breakfast treats. At about 9:30 the line was served some fruit skewers, scones and croissants. When the doors opened, people actually ran and then suddenly the floor was empty save for piddly little trinkets and some damaged goods. More clothes arrived about an hour later, but never made it to the floor since the H&M staff was swarmed before even hitting the racks. Here is where some genius made a terrible terrible call. Someone figured that, hey, if you have a store filled with elbowing women ruduced to tantrums over jeans, you should only put the goods in a tiny section of the store and then rope it off, thus creating an angry mob scene complete with trampling, screaming, and utter degradation of every 'lady' in the store. Holy shopping hell. People were ripping clothing away from each other. We bailed and caught our breath outside just as the police arrived.
I heard that the 34th street location thought that throwing the clothes from the middle of the escalator was a good call.
Supposedly H&M will be sending Stella shipments until Sunday. Good luck. And wear knee pads.

Plus one more account--in case you haven't had your fill--right here. Okay, so I don't think it will be quite this crazy in SF (I'm not sure why....us Californians can just take things in stride better because we're really cool like that) but I'm kind of thinking maybe I don't want to go....perhaps a little too stressful for my delicate self.

I <3 W

...I mean I still love Vogue more, but props to W for first giving us that gorgeous Kate Moss issue when everyone else (stupid Burberry, H&M, etc.) was deserting her and now....MK is going to be on the January cover!!!

"Ashley did a solo cover for Harper's Bazaar last summer, and this was an opportunity for Mary-Kate to do her own. She's feeling great and wanted to do something beautiful. It was her decision."

I'm super psyched for her first solo cover and it will probably be like a bazillion times cooler than Ash's Harper's Bazaar cover.

Note: I just want to say that I do like Ash a lot tooo and I'm not trying to be mean or anything, she's just not quite as cool as MK.

Nicole's Reality Fiction

Nicole's book is finally out, now we can find out what's going on with "chloe"...right, this doesn't sound exactly like Nicole's life at all:

...the sensational story of Chloe Parker, a rock royalty princess and a card-carrying member of Hollywood's inner circle. At the age of seven, Chloe was adopted by a music superstar and his wife, transforming her life from rags to riches. What followed was a wild childhood distinguished by parties with movie stars and rock idols, run-ins with the press and the police, and a subsequent stint in rehab.

Suddenly Chloe shoots to instant fame as a spokesmodel for a national ad campaign. When her long-lost birth father appears out of nowhere and her best friend betrays her, she must struggle to keep it all together -- her sobriety, her friendships, and her integrity despite the betrayals of those around her. Ultimately, Chloe comes spectacularly into her own, achieving stardom in her own right and finding true love.

Excerpt from the 1st Chapter after the jump.

Chapter One
Reserved Seating

Chloe Parker would be a terrible role model if she were famous. Trouble is that she was about to be.

It started innocently enough, or as innocent as you can get on the dance floor of one of the hottest clubs in L.A.

The nightclubs of L.A. are like soap operas, except they're not Days of Our Lives; they're more like Passions -- crazy stuff happens, and no one bats a fake eyelash. There's always some bizarre drama that plays out every night, and everyone in the cast -- I mean, everyone -- is great looking, stoned, and/or drunk. It's like a traveling freak show that stars the youngest and hottest in Hollywood. It's about fun, and sex, and pseudo-danger.

Chloe Parker was practically born in a club. It's like she spontaneously generated one night in 1981 during a fourteen-minute remix. As a child, she could dance before she could walk and sing before she could talk. Dressed in a tie-dyed onesie and a tutu, her head a tangle of golden curls, Chloe was destined to haunt the clubs of her adoptive city as soon as humanly possible.

Chloe had been going to the hottest clubs in Hollywood since she was this many, wearing L.A. Gear sneakers everywhere she went. Like me, Chloe has always been tiny, which meant we could both sneak into The Viper Room under the noses of the bouncers when we were thirteen. She was a kid partying with adults who treated her like a peer. Every important marker of her life had to do with clubbing. She wore her first bra to a club. She went out without a bra for the first time to a club. Her first kiss, her first crush on a gay guy, the first time she saw Jimmy Choo sandals, the first time someone passed her a joint -- all happened in a club.

As a kid, Chloe would stand behind the DJ booth and dance, and the DJ could tell if he had the vibe right just by monitoring her movements. Like Holly Golightly in Madonna-wannabe rags, Chloe had the ability to not only be in the moment, but to create it.

It helped that she always gave herself little jobs to do to make everyone happier. She'd hand out Dixie cups of water if people were looking overheated, or she would fan them with the sleeve of one of the 12-inch records the DJ was playing. She was the Disco Granny reincarnated.

In those days, Chloe was like that -- so pure, all heart and soul. To see her smile would have the same effect on a roomful of sweaty strangers as the DJ playing a classic, crowd-pleasing track. She could be like a little sliver of the sun -- her glow lit them up.

Chloe's mailing address might have been her mom Peggy's place in Bel Air, but the place to find her -- and more importantly the place where she was finding herself -- was whatever party was hottest at the moment.

That night, it was Mode, a converted church on Cahuenga just north of Hollywood. Unfortunately, all of us were discovering a new side to Chloe -- a scary one.

Chloe didn't need drugs to have fun. I mean, drugs would be double-bad for an addictive personality like hers, and I think she knew it. But she was drawn to them for the same reasons any young person may be -- drugs seemed glam, and exciting, and reckless. Being high was intriguing; it made her feel alive. Drugs were everywhere in every club. And drugs took the place of love.

But along with whatever her other drugs du jour were, Chloe was as addicted to the club scene as she was a part of it.

To get to our booth, Chloe aggressively stomped up the staircase of Mode, a multi-tiered architectural maze with flashing lights and music so loud it felt like it invaded you, like a virus. Just as everyone in L.A. had to climb the social ladder, Chloe and all the rest of us had to climb three flights of stairs to get to the VIP level at Mode. Sometimes, scaling the social ladder was easier and faster than making it up those stairs, which were usually choked with hangers-on, wasted fans, and undercover tabloid reporters. Chloe wasn't nationally famous yet, but she was a glittering part of the youth party scene, and reporters were smart enough to know that where there's smoke, there's fire.

On her way up the stairs, Chloe started to pass two Asian girls, one tall and the other short and squat, who were bobbing their heads to the end of Kanye West's Golddigger. They both wore hip-huggers and expensive-looking belly shirts. They were not holding drinks, and their pupils were not dilated. Even in her chemically altered state, Chloe pegged them immediately: They were definitely magazine reporters.

At Mode, people acted up, hooked up, and threw up, and the paparazzi stood outside to shoot the stars as they went in looking fabulous and staggered out totally gone. Guess which kinds of photos got published? You're right! Both kinds got published. From what I heard, an exclusive shot of a new couple could earn up to fifty grand from a celebrity weekly. The price would triple if the photogs could shoot inside, but the iron-clad rule was no cameras and no reporters in the clubs. That was part of what stoked the glamour and mystery. No one really knew what went on inside. The doormen played, too. They were judge and jury when it came to letting people in and keeping people out. That meant the warm-up act for the freak show usually started outside.

Guys with money? Yup. But the doormen tried to keep the ratio of guys to girls at about ten to one. They wanted all the Brad Pitt wannabes to open their wallets while competing for the handful of Angelinas.

The foregoing is excerpted from The Truth About Diamonds by Nicole Richie.

"You are So Rock & Roll..."

The O.C.'s 5th mix is out and you can listen to the whole thing online....

"Rock & Roll Queen" The Subways
"Reason is Treason" Kasabian
"Wish I Was Dead Pt. 2" Shout Out Louds
"Daft Punk is Playing at My House" LCD Soundsystem
"Publish My Love" Rogue Wave
"Forever Young" Youth Group
"Requiem for O.M.M." Of Montreal
"Kids With Guns" Gorillaz
"Na Na Na Na Naa" Kaiser Chiefs
"Your Ex-Lover is Dead" Stars
"California 2005" Phantom Planet--this is the slow version but it's not online
"Hide and Seek" Imogen Heap

What do you think? I like it but the Chrismukkah Mix is still my favorite and I wish they had their first mix online like all the others instead of just little clips.....not that I would get worked up about the O.C.'s music or anything...ha ha.

So how do we turn a hypothetical into a “hypo-realtical”?

Oh, come on, haven't you always wanted to host a celebrity eating contest just to celebrate the changing seasons?

Radar Magazine calls Anna Nicole Smith's and Star Jones' reps to see how much money it would take to make it happen...

The reps' main concerns were that the "stars" wouldn't want to practice such unhealthy lifestyle but they might be okay with the concept of they were eating fat-free sorbet...

part of the transcript is after the jump. [Radar link--but they don't have the whole conversations online]

RADAR: Hi, Howard. This is David Steinman. We’re looking to book Anna Nicole for a personal appearance at the Short Hills Country Club in New Jersey for our annual gala. What is her appearance fee?

It depends. Send me an e-mail about the event and what you were thinking.

Okay. It’s a celebration for the fall. We’d like her to speak for about half an hour on the fall.

On the change of seasons in fall?

Exactly. Will she mingle with guests, have dinner? There’s also a charity casino where she could deal a few hands. What’s a figure that would guarantee her appearance?

It would be in the hundreds of thousands to guarantee a real good chance.

So we’re saying $100,000?

Maybe a bit higher. She’s turned down $190,000, $200,000, but it was because it was something she didn’t believe in.

What was it?

Speaking at a porn convention. But for a country club, I don’t think we’ll have that issue. Her day rate for nonspeaking things is $75,000, and for travel she gets paid half of that each day.

Does she travel with an entourage?

She travels with a bodyguard and, normally, hair and makeup, and sometimes her son, and sometimes myself. It all depends on what she’s thinking.

At the end of this event there’s an eating contest.

I don’t know if there’s any amount that would get her into an eating contest, because of her relationship with TrimSpa. I don’t think she would gorge herself because of that. She’s spent so much time losing weight and looks great.

There’s no porn involved at all. Would she eat sorbet, to keep it fat-free? If we brought it up to $300,000?

If you brought it up to $1 million she would be into the sorbet-eating contest. For $300,000 I don’t know.

Could we do a paella, or would it have to be something fat-free?

Look, if the money were high enough and she’d have fun, she would probably do it. But the money would have to be high. What are your objectives?

Just to celebrate the fall. That’s it. So for around $700,000 would she do a suckling pig–eating contest?

Wait, pig? She’s a vegetarian. She wouldn’t eat it regardless.

For any amount of money in the world?

For any amount of money. A vegetarian paella… You know, if the figure is high enough she might do it. If you came in with a million dollars, I would tell her, “Hey, it’s two days—why don’t you do it?” My advice would be to do it.

If it was $700,000 for the vegetarian paella–eating contest, she would get down for the duration of the contest?

I couldn’t guarantee you that she’d win. [Laughs] I can tell you right now she doesn’t eat that much. She gets full fast.

Because of the surgery?

She didn’t have surgery.

That’s usually one of the side effects of the surgery.

She did not have surgery. She took TrimSpa and she just… She did not have any surgery. She took TrimSpa. She doesn’t have scars.

For $700,000 how much paella do you think she could eat?

I have no idea. You’re asking me hypotheticals.

So how do we turn a hypothetical into a “hypo-realtical”?

I’m telling you that I can’t speak for her. An eating contest is not something that she’d want to do, so the money would be higher. Speaking on the subject of fall… You know, I don’t know that she’s really ever thought of the subject of fall in any profound way. She probably wouldn’t enjoy talking about it for 45 minutes.

Last year we had William Shatner, and he spoke about fall for a good 45 minutes.

How much did you pay Shatner?

$800,000.

Hey, that’s pretty good money.

And he took part in the eating contest. He came in second place.

I’ll tell you this much: She’s a competitive girl. She might win the eating contest. But the number has to be high enough.

Would she do it in a swimsuit?

[Laughs] Now you’re even getting further afield.

It’s a very affluent country club. The members are extremely wealthy, and they like to do these things for fun.

Look, Anna’s crazy. She’s a wild girl. She’ll do a lot of different things. And if they want to pay that kind of money for her to enter an eating contest, she might just do it.

Would she have cocktails?

Sure.

Let’s say MDMA became kind of available around the party…

Never.

Would she have a problem if everyone at the party were taking ecstasy?

She might have a problem if everybody were taking ecstasy.

Would that cost more?

Look, that’s something she doesn’t get involved with.

So, no ecstasy. OxyContin?

The Devil Wears Valentino

I'm torn between wanting to see this movie (because I loved the book: Vogue mixed with Gossip Girl...not that anyone else over 12--other than me, M, & K--has probably read GG) and also kind of not wanting to see it because Meryl Streep and Anne Hathaway are both annoying...plus how lame will it be if "the devil" doesn't actually wear Prada???

Although head Vogue-ette Anna Wintour has previously made light of her ex-assistant Lauren Weisberger’s best-selling roman a clef, we hear the Devil may care after all. Sources say Wintour has been doing everything in her power to ensure the film version of The Devil Wears Prada fizzles—even threatening to blacklist some of the fashion world’s biggest names if they agree to do cameos. When Wintour got wind that producers had been recruiting major designers for walk-on roles, sources close to the film say she unleashed a flurry of phone calls intimating to the aspiring thespians that they’d be persona non grata in the pages of her high-end glossy if they participated. Most of the designers bowed out, we hear, with the notable exception of Valentino—who made good on his promised cameo despite having born the brunt of Wintour’s discontent.[Radar link]

NY Times story on Lauren Weisberger and her 2nd book...which isn't doing quite so well.

MKAO

Look how pretty they are again! Well, actually, Ashley looks pretty much the same as usual but MK looks gorgeous. I love her dress and her jewelery and everything about thtis outfit.

Pictures with the whole outfits after the jump. [popsugar link]

Speaking of the Olsens I just found a clip of their "perfume ad" from SNL the other day...enjoy. [source]

Abercrombie Forced to Eat Their Words (and Shirts)

How annoying is Abercrombie lately? First those lame gossip themed t-shirts that no one bought, no these slogans so awful they've decided to recall.

Abercrombie&Fitch Statement:
In recognition that these t-shirts might be found to be objectionable to many young women, who are among our best customers...We recognize that the shirts in question, while meant to be humorous, might be troubling to some. [source]

These are some of the other slogans that were pulled--begging the question: who exactly did they think would wear these?

"Who needs brains when you have these?"
"Blondes are adored, brunettes are ignored,"
"I make you look fat."

Adam Sandler Stole My Superpower!

I'm totally, completely, absolutely en serio! Anybody who knows me at all could tell you that I have always had one dream and that was the dream of having a magical remote control/watch/gadget of some sort that gives me the power to control time. Well, hey, check out the IMDb plot summary of Adam Sandler's new movie:

"Click" focuses on a workaholic architect who finds a universal remote that allows him to fast-forward and rewind to different parts of his life. Complications arise when the remote starts to overrule his choices.

WTF, right? Well, in my world it's way cooler anyway. First of all I can just pause the whole world except for me (and my buddies/sidekicks...I mean I am the one with the superpower, guys, that means if I let you in on the fun you have to be my sidekicks) and do whatever I so please.

For example, if I'm taking a Physics test, I would just fastforward time until someone smart was done, than pause, whip over with my test and copy down all their answers, drive myself over to starbucks for a (free) cappucino, mosey down to the mall to pick up some new (free) clothes, then go back to class and unpause the world when I'm ready to turn in my test. Seriously, how fucking cool would that be?

Also, just in case you think I just decided to pretend I came up with this idea, I present:

Exhibit A: Me in Art summer school class before freshman year (4 hrs. a day...kill me now) with K. and we totally planned out exactly how we'd be using our magical remote/watch.
Exhibit B: My college interview for Reed, where the interviewer (I kid you not) asked me what superpower I would choose....that was one question I was completely prepared for....maybe I was even a bit too enthusiastic about the whole "how to avoid work" thing, I mean I was probably supposed to talk about some bullshit superpower like flying (because I could see the world from a different perspective, etc, etc.)

...anyway I'm not going to be seeing the Adam Sandler version of my dream come true, because I can tell from the summary that he's totally f'ed the whole thing up. You know, once I get ahold of a magical remote there is no way I'm letting it overrule my choices, it's my stupid remote, it'll do what I want! Also, there are no dorky pink bikes involved in my dream. C'mon Adam, if you can control time you can totally go steal that Jaguar I want from some other country (so they can't find you, duh) and never have to make a fool of yourself on that bike again.

Merry Christmas from Jake

Um, does anyone like Jake Gyllenhaal?

Because he's totally dancing around while wearing only a couple of santa hats over at perezhilton.com....

"Hear, Hear!" to FourFour

While I admit to a mild obsession with "Hung Up" at the moment...(Keep in mind I'm also currently obsessed with Kelly Clarkson's "Because of You", D.H.T.'s "Listen to Your Heart" and I happen to possess all of Britney's albums--not counting the lame-o remixes) Anyway, temporary obsessions notwithstanding....

I have to heartily second this treatise on the overaged, overhyped, and overloved-ness that is Madonna. Just a taste...

"What eventually repelled me was her noxious mixture of triteness and arrogance...What was liking her worth, anyway? She can't really sing (though it's reasonable that you could like her voice the way you like your culinarily untrained mother's cooking). She can't write. She's savvy and sometimes quick-witted, but rarely does she exhibit the kind of intellect she'd love for us to believe that she possesses. I don't care about dancing or mysticism or flashes of contrived modesty."

[fourfour link and the image is from misshapes]

Coming Soon, My New Favorite...

Do You Know Where You Will Be on Nov. 19th? I do. Not one but TWO new H&Ms are coming to San Fran on November 19th! With Stella and everything! Oh boy.

"The Union Square stores are the retailer's first branches west of Chicago. Its strategy is always the same: When H&M hits a city, it hits like Starbucks, saturating an area. (A third branch is coming to the Sun Valley Mall in Concord in the spring; insiders say that yet another unit is coming to the Westfield Shopping Center, at Fifth and Market.)"


Hey, more saturation is fine with me as long as only the good stuff is spreading--cheap clothes and frothy caffiene--yummy, I finally feel like the holidays are coming! (Despite the fact that I've been stockpiling jackets, boots, and Christmas music for a few months now)

Dear Brit,

First of all you know I totally support you and I always have (I never liked Christina, not even before she became a huge slut...I'm assuming she was a little slut even back in the Mickey Mouse Club days, but we can talk about that later.) Anyway, I just wanted to make sure you know I love you so that you'll take my advice seriously: DIVORCE KEVIN FEDERLINE, NOW!! NOW! NOW BRITNEY! RIGHT THIS INSTANT!!!

Okay, I'm calm again, but my point is that he was bad enough when he was just fugly and tacky and trailer trashy but at least we could all imagine he was semi-human when you got to know him. Unfortunately we've all heard that crap he calls music (c'mon even you had to laugh, Brit) and I think you and I both know it's time to pull the plug on this farce of a marriage. No one will blame you and it's not like he's going to be any help supporting SPF or anything, you'll be better off without him!

Sincerely, LCP

P.S. If you divorce K.Fed now then you can become super-hot again and go steal your rightful MM Club soul mate back from that old hag he's dating now, you guys were waaaaay cuter!

That's What Happens When You Don't Go to College

Um, M., you know how we were watching the O.C. and then at the end Seth was listing all the jobs Ryan could've taken if he'd really dropped out (other than the admittedly hilarious fisherman storyline) and the last thing we hear was "he could've been a fluffer.." And we were all "what?" well...

A fluffer is a hired member of the set of a pornagraphic movie hose role is to sexually arouse the male participants prior to the takes. Presumably, the name arose, at least in part, as a mocking reference to the hair-fluffing make-up artists who kept the starlets in non-pornographic movies looking their very best in every scene.

On gay movies fluffers are typically male, while on heterosexual movies they are usually female. The occupation is frequently depicted as demeaning and contemptible, far more so than being a porn star, with an insinuation that the fluffer isn't attractive enough to perform on camera. [from wikipedia]

Wow, this adds a whole new dimension to that episode....is Seth finally admitting that he totally has a crush on Ryan and they watch a lot of gay porn together? I think so. But wait....Seth doesn't think Ryan is attractive enough to be a porn star? What a mean friend/brother/lover/hugger!

Kirsake is Dead

...who are Kirsake you ask? (optional pronunciation: sake pronounced like sake--the drink, stupids--because Drunkst drinks a lot) Well, it was goooing to be my new nickname for Kirsten Dunst & Jake Gyllenhaal but y'know, then they had to go break up so I guess you don't really need to bother remembering it.

Hmmm....I wonder who they'll hook up with next. Guesses? How about:
Kirsten + Orlando Bloom = Blunst or Kido...aww what cute names
Jakey + Heath = the gay cowboys (Seriously, anythings possible especially if Jake really is the notorious Toothy Tile. Although see Defamer's theory on that one.)

Get Napoleon's Moves...

An interactive guide to ALL Napoleon's moves including catchy names and helpful directions. Need I say more? DANCE!!!

[smit happens link via cityrag]

Attack of the Brain-Eating Frogs

I think that either Joaquin Phoenix is 100% insane or he's trying waaaaaay too hard for that "so weird it's cool" Johnny Depp vibe. Unfortunately, no one else has ever successfully pulled off the weirdness of the Deppster and made it look hot. Phoenix gives it a try on the Walk the Line red carpet:

Out of the blue, Phoenix suddenly changed the subject, asking, “Do I have a large frog in my hair?”

Reporter: No, no.

Phoenix: “Something’s crawling out of my scalp.”

Reporter: No, you look great.

Phoenix: “No, but I feel it. I’m not worried about the looks. I’m worried about the sensation of my brain being eaten. … What did you ask me?”

[Defamer link]

I'm So Sick of the Paris Pose

But it's definitely cooler in motion.

Through the change in hair, in clothes, and in friends, we can always rely on that vapid little smirk to be there for Paris.

Her own "Blue Steel" perhaps?

[Hollywood Rag link]

Is It Really Worth It?

BTW, not my thoughts, this was posted on PostSecret today...I've been procrastinating on my applications by reading other people's secrets, which are so addictive.

Just thought it was interesting...

I wonder if she (c'mon, that's obviously girl handwriting) will get in?

Also, why do people who want to go to Harvard get so crazy/intense?

the Leotard Backlash

Um, I totally already said that Madonna's just a tad old to be wearing those leotards in her Hung Up video, but now that she's taken to just walking around in public in them, it seems her husband sees it too...

Madonna's husband Guy Ritchie was unhappy about the skimpy outfit that she wore for the MTV Europe Music Awards. The film director asked his wife to choose another dress, but the Queen of Pop ignored his request. "He wasn't happy and told her in no uncertain terms," a source told The People. "He thinks she's too old to be wearing such skimpy things and that she should have toned it down a bit. Madonna listened to what Guy had to say but chose not to do anything about it."She went ahead and wore what she was planning to anyway. It made for a bit of an unpleasant atmosphere backstage." [justjared link]

Maybe she's just reinvented herself a few too many times and she's just done with the pants thing and the skirts and the dresses and the shorts and all that was left was a rainbow assortment of leotards.

Dancing with the Models

This week's hi-larious image from fourfour's America's Next Top Model recap. Oh, Lisa.

I have to admit I haven't been watching the ANTM recently (having rediscovered the joys of One Tree Hill) but if they're gonna pull stuff like this more often, maybe I'll be back.

[link to fourfour's total recap]

MTV Steals Laguna's Soul

Seriously, this is a major issue down in Laguna...those SoCalers and their silly little problems. Apparently their is a large faction of Lagunians who--shockingly--don't feel that the show accurately portrays the real OC!

"We are a community that has stood for solid, meaningful principles … art, culture, the environment, quality of life, education," said Ostensen, an environmental consultant. "By contrast, MTV glorifies violence, drug abuse, the objectification of women as sexual objects, alcohol abuse, superficiality and a raft of other negative issues."

Kristin is like: "Whatever! Superficiality is hot." and y'know, for once, I think I may have to agree with the Laguna Bitch. Besides "solid, meaningul principles"? Ew. Boring.

[link to the whole LA Times Article]